Not all wounds are visible.

“You’re pretty normal for a veteran” People have been saying that to me for years.  But what does it mean? What is normal? And what distinction do I have that separates me from the abnormal?  Is it because I’m educated?  Is it that I don’t always smell like booze?  Is it because I can hold a social life and a job, on top of being a full time college student?

Who’s the judge here?  99% of the people who say that to me are civilian.  They’re ignorant, and most of the time, it isn't their fault.  We come home, back to communities after years and years of being a warrior, and we shut ourselves in.  We separate ourselves.  We say things like, “They just don’t understand me”, or “I’m just not like them.”  We seldom take the chance to let them understand us.

Everyone leaves something behind when they come home from war.  Some of it’s obvious.  We leave arms, and legs in blown up trucks, we leave pints of blood in the sand.  But all too often we leave parts of behind that people don’t realize.  Sometimes we don’t realize it right away ourselves.  It doesn't matter if we were combat engineers or laundry specialists.  We all put our lives on hold to go out and fight a war.  We went to a strange land, lived a strange way, and when we finally were able to go home, we left our innocence, we left our childhoods, and far far too often, we left much much more.

I've lost more friends at home than I have in combat.  These are hardened warriors.  Battle tested soldiers.  Shot at, blown up, lived in the worlds worst conditions, and were coming home, and we’re dying.  Worst part about it is we know were dying.  Were so stuck in this warrior culture, that even while were dying, we can’t talk to anyone about how much it’s tearing us apart.

I pray to God that we get ourselves out of this cycle.  I pray that we make our own wounds visible to those who can help. Most of all I just pray that we stop letting ourselves die.